♪ Here we sit ♪
♪ And we chatter ♪
♪ What are we thinking of ♪
♪ Let's not make ♪
♪ With the patter ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let's make Io ve ♪
♪ If you roar like a lion ♪
♪ I could coo like a dove ♪
♪ If you're sold, begin buyin' ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let's make Io ve ♪
♪ No, don't turn TV ♪
♪ On ♪
♪ Instead just turn me ♪
♪ On ♪
♪ I light up like neon ♪
♪ Just a tiny section of your affection ♪
♪ In my direction will do ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... You'll ♪
♪ Just love my embraces ♪
♪ 'Cause they'll fit like a glove ♪
♪ We'll be off to the races maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
♪ Let's make love ♪♪
Don't just lay there.
Honey, do something.
One of the great fortunes of the world began here...
on the outskirts of Tours in 17th-century France.
Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer, but not a verygood one.
Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water,
he couldn't grow mud, but he didn't have to.
While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold.
This is thought to be the origin of the phrase, "Lots of potatoes."
From then on, Jean-Marc farmed money.
In Paris, the second Jean-Marc was the kind of man...
who could form a syndicate in an empty room.
Balloons were the rage of France.
Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered.
He was a completely dedicated man,
interested in balloons of every kind.
He died in 1777,
leaving well over 300, 000 francs.
The cause of death was listed as "excessive interest in balloons."
The third Jean-Marc Clement just happened to own a cannon factory.
He supplied munitions for the French army.
He was so fair-minded, people say he supplied the enemy also.
His interests grew and grew...
until the day the munitions factory blew up.
Unfortunately, it was one of the few mornings Jean-Marc reported to work.
He left millions, and was the first Clement to die vertically.
The fourth Clement carried on the basic traditions of the family,
which is to say a prudent marriage...
plus the lively interest in balloons.
This lively interest led to a duel.
The result was officially listed as a tie.
But Jean-Marc took a short sabbatical in New York.
While there, he picked up 800 acres of property.
It was in the low-rent district, then known as Wall Street.
He returned to the gay life of Paris and threw his life away.
His indiscretions with rich widows brought in less than a million francs a year.
The fifth Clement was a man who went first class.
He liked railroads...
by 1855, he owned 43 of them...
and steamships.
He owned a total of 19 different lines.
His dash forpower ended the next year...
when negotiations for the purchase of the Atlantic Ocean broke down.
The sixth Clement was pure patriot.
He pioneered the Statue of Liberty...
and talked a Mr. Eiffel into building some sort of sightseeing tower.
At the time, Jean-Marc controlled all the steel in France.
He died in 1890, leaving 400 millions.
His son immediately set out to make money.
He ran across a man who had some old blueprints in the attic.
The basic patent rights on this notion brought a good, steady income,
more than enough to cover his losses on horses and women,
most of whom were quartered on a yacht called The Harem.
And, of course, there was the old family devotion to sightseeing towers.
Jean-Marc put up 700 of them near Waco, Texas.
He died mysteriously at the age of 91...
aboard a yacht, Harem III.
After the usual deductions were made,
he left a fortune estimated on the foreign exchange mart...
as one billion dollars.
As a guide to those in the audience who may not have a billion dollars,
let it be stated that the interest on the interest on a billion dollars...
is $70, 000 a week.
This is the New York office of the worldwide Clement Enterprises.
The current Jean-Marc Clement seems to embody all the traits of his forebears...
good traits and, cynics point out,
perhaps a few bad ones.
I also like the one I heard in Paris yesterday...
about a man who taught his dog to play poker.
But the poor dog was a terrible gambler,
because every time he got a good hand,
he'd wag his tail.
- That's funny. - That's marvelous.
- Good-bye. - Bye.
Great storyteller.
- And the way he tells a story... - Certainly not dull.
I agree with you.
Hi. I'm Coffman from Public Relations downstairs.
Oh, yes. The gentlemen with the emergency.
Mr. Wales expects you.
Thank you.
What emergency concerns Mr. Clement?
It's this item in the newspaper, sir. I thought you might like to see this.
I read no item in this morning's newspaper concerning Mr. Clement.
This isn't a regular newspaper, Mr. Wales.
This is Variety, the theatrical paper.
How could anything theatrical concern Mr. Clement?
Would you read that, please, sir?
- Come with me. - Right.
Good morning, George. Feast your eyes.
What, more? How much?
- You don't measure art by money. - I do.
Good heavens. This is the Meister collection...
that the Louvre and the National Gallery were bidding for.
- You outbid two governments? - Oh, it was a pleasure.
The Renoir, I will hang in the Paris apartment.
The Matisse, I think in the Hong Kong office.
And the van Gogh...
Oh, I think it will be perfect on the yacht.
- How do you do? - I beg your pardon.
This is Alexander Hoffman.
Coffman. Public Relations. Ours.
How do you do, sir?
Jean-Marc.
- It's something serious. - Hmm.
I can tell by the breathing.
Somebody's putting on a show, and you're going to be portrayed in it.
Really? I couldn't be more flattered.
Listen to this.
"Greenwich Village Revue to Caricature Celebrities in the Theateround.
Some of the public figures up for laughs are Maria Callas,
Elvis Presley, Van Cliburn and Jean-Marc Clement, amongst others."
You're going to be made ridiculous.
Oh!
Do you mind if Coffman leaves us for a moment?
Of course not, George.
Yes. Coffman.
No, no, no. You'd better go in there. Thanks.
I've known for a long time that something like this is bound to happen.
All those women you take out in public, this is the result.
I'm not anxious to take them out in public, George.
They won't stay indoors.
Jean-Marc, your father's no longer here to uphold the dignity of your name.
Now then, I've put on this young man...
to do nothing but keep your name out of the newspapers.
I want you to take him seriously.
I want you to start at once.
Very well, George. And try not to worry so much about me.
Oh, I've been worrying about you since your christening at Notre Dame.
I wouldn't mind a little change at all.
- Coffman! - Yes, sir?
What are you being paid for? You call this good public relations?
- No, sir, I do not. - Well, I want it stopped, you understand?
It's an invasion of privacy.
If you can't stop it, I will.
Is that correct, Jean-Marc?
- Absolutely. - Thank you.
Run along.
- Good-bye, sir. - Good-bye, Coffman.
I'll get on this right away.
"By reason that they should dissolve their partnership...
and to maintain the..."
You may use the private elevator.
"By arrangement they have con..."
There. There.
"Now, therefore, it is agreed to end this legally by the two parties"...
- Mr. Coffman? - Yes.
You'll please return to Mr. Clement's office.
Yes, sir?
Beautiful, isn't it?
Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. Very.
Coffman, I'm not especially thin-skinned...
about some jokes that might be made about me on the stage.
But if it's too embarrassing about girls, that can be serious.
Sit down.
Will it help if I got the show closed up?
Well, sir, then you run the danger of getting more bad publicity...
if you do something like that.
Yes, that's possible.
It's a very small theater, isn't it?
Not many people would really see an off-Broadway show.
Well, if they're successful,
people like Ed Sullivan often use parts of them on television.
Life, Look, Paris Match even, might pick it up.
Especially since they're using your name.
Mm-hmm.
I may be more thin-skinned than I suspect.
I don't seem to relish being laughed at.
Um...
Go on. You've thought of something. Say it.
Well, I don't know if you... if you'd care for this,
but, um, would you consider attending a rehearsal of the show, sir?
Why? What would that accomplish?
It would take the sting out of anything they're doing. It would be disarming.
If you show them that you have a sense of humor and that you can laugh at yourself,
then all the rest of the laughter is good-natured.
That's my opinion.
Would they think it odd for me to attend a rehearsal?
It's perfectly natural.
You've read that you're being depicted in the show,
and you've come down to see what you're like.
They'd only be flattered.
I've been a press agent in the theater, Mr. Clement. I know I'm right.
Let's go.
Now?
They're rehearsing, aren't they?
Yes, sir.
Time is money, and I don't like to waste either.
Hmm?
Come on.
- Is this a theater? - Theater-in-the-round, sir.
It's very informal.
Excuse me.
This is the stage door.
Joe, these light cues are sure tricky.
We gotta hit 'em just right.
Hit the blue.
Boys!
My name is... Lolita.
And, uh,
I'm not supposed to...
play...
with boys.
Moi!
Uh-uh!
Mon coeur est à Papa.
You know.
Le propriétaire.
No!
♪ While tearing off ♪
♪ A game of golf ♪
♪ I may make a play for the caddie ♪
♪ But when I do ♪
♪ I don't follow through ♪
♪ 'Cause my heart ♪
♪ Belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ If I invite ♪
♪ A boy some night ♪
♪ To dine on my fine finnan haddie ♪
♪ I just adore ♪
♪ His asking for more ♪
♪ But ♪
♪ My heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ So I simply ♪
♪ Couldn't be bad ♪
♪ Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da da, da, da, da ♪
♪ So I want to warn you, laddie ♪
♪ Though I know that you're perfectly swell ♪
♪ That my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ 'Cause my Daddy ♪
♪ He treats it ♪
♪ So ♪
♪ While tearing off ♪
♪ A game of golf ♪
♪ I may make a play for the caddie ♪
♪ But when I do ♪
♪ I don't follow through ♪
♪ Ooh, Daddy ♪
♪ If I invite a boy some night ♪
♪ To cook up a fine enchilada ♪
♪ Though Spanish rice is all very nice ♪
♪ Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da ba-da, ba-da, da-da ♪
Yes!
♪ My heart belongs to my daddy ♪
♪ So I simply ♪
♪ Couldn't be bad ♪
♪ Yes, my heart belongs to my daddy ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da da, da, da ♪
♪ So I want to warn you, laddie ♪
♪ Though I know you're perfectly swell ♪
♪ That my heart belongs to my daddy ♪
♪ 'Cause Daddy ♪
♪ My daddy ♪
♪ My little old daddy ♪
♪ He treats it so ♪
♪ That little old man He just treats it so good ♪♪
Lights! All right, kids!
All right, kids, up you get! Terrific! Really good.
Up you get!
All you people trying out as doubles, on stage.
Elvis Presleys, Van Cliburns,
Maria Callases, Jean-Marc Clements, step up.
Maria Callases, over here.
Jean-Marc Clements, Elvis Presleys...
Coffman.
Yes, sir?
Ask her to dinner.
Dinner?
Bring her to my place, 8:00.
You're trying out for Clement, aren't you?
Hey, that's very good. Just what you're doing.
- That's just his stupid look. - Say, now. Now, now...
You don't look like anybody. You might as well go home.
Come on onstage, fella. You got something.
Come on, Presleys. How about it? Let's go.
Sort of form groups in three. And you girls... Maria Callases. Yeah.
- Hey, Coffman. - Hello.
- Miller. - Yeah. What are you doing down here?
You Broadway big shots aren't allowed below 14th Street.
I'm not on Broadway anymore.
I moved into, um,
industrial public relations.
Clements, please. You guys all get together.
That's it. Move in.
All right. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Now Presleys. Hit it, Elvis.
♪ Well, keep on rock and roll, Mama We're rockin' all the time ♪
- ♪ She can be... ♪ - Thank you.
- ♪ See that chick with the red dress on ♪ - Thank you.
♪ Well, I love her eyes I love her lips ♪
♪ They taste even better than potato chips ♪
♪ Ooh-wee, baby ♪
That's enough.
Excuse me. I am Jean-Marc Clement.
- I wonder if I... - Say something else.
Go ahead.
I beg your pardon, sir. I'm afraid you are mis...
Listen to him.
It's amazing.
I saw Clement in a newsreel. Hey, you really got him down.
Come over here. I want to see something.
I want you to stand next to this man here.
That's it. No, you go in the middle.
Like... Like that. That's right. That's not bad, hey?
No doubt about it.
Okay. Take him, Kerry.
You in the middle, don't go away. You two, dismissed.
Now I want to see the Van Cliburns.
You're really French, aren't you?
Yes.
Very much so.
- Been here long? - I go back and forth.
My family is rather transatlantic.
That's good for the part.
Hey, they're really gonna make an idiot out of him.
- Who? - Clement.
I can't get over the resemblance.
Oh, you're much nicer, of course.
Thank you.
Why do you think so?
Well, all you ever see him doing...
is getting in and out of sports cars, some girl suing him again.
You don't like that.
Well, it's all right,
but think of what he could do in this world with all that money.
Oh, I wish I was taking French...
now that you're going to be with the company.
I could practice on you.
Oh, you're a college girl?
No. Night school.
I'm getting my high school diploma.
What do you want to do that for?
I got tired of being ignorant. I never knew what people were referring to.
I suppose you want to play Shakespeare and Greek tragedy and...
Oh, no. This is my favorite kind of show.
Um, have you been out of work long?
Out of... No, I'm...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get personal.
But I noticed how you acted before,
pretending you didn't want the job.
I figured you were pretty desperate.
You are very observant.
I am, uh...
What are you knitting?
I haven't decided yet.
It keeps my hands busy.
Hey, fella. I have to have your Equity card.
My what?
Oh, you don't have to join Actors' Equity.
They could list you as a nonprofessional.
- Fine. - Why don't you do that, Jimmy?
All right, what's your name?
My name is Jean...
Oddly enough, my name often startles people.
Why? What is it?
Alexander.
Not Alexander Dumas.
You know Alexander Dumas?
We had him last term.
He wrote The Three Musketeers.
It's a lovely name.
It happens to be my name.
Okay, Al.
Alexander Dumas?
What a small world.
Oh, it's a very common name in France.
I hope you'll help me. I've never been on a stage before.
I knew. You can always tell an outsider.
How?
Mostly the way they look at girls in rehearsal clothes.
How do people in show business look?
They don't. A girl can walk around backstage...
with nothing on except her goodwill,
and nobody will even turn his head.
The same girl, fully dressed, walks down an aisle of clerks in an office,
pinched black and blue.
What's the matter with you people anyway?
I think we are normal. You're the ones in trouble.
I could give you a tip on how to play Clement if you're interested.
Oh, yes. I'm here to learn.
Try acting with more assurance.
By that I mean, he doesn't have your sensitivity.
Really?
But I've always felt that Clement is a rather sensitive man.
Of course I don't really know, but...
Oh, no. I've met those types.
You got to be a lot cruder, you know?
I never heard anybody call Jean-Marc Clement crude.
For instance, a man like you...
You come over to me. You're unsure of yourself, yes?
- Well, yes, I suppose... - I mean, it's normal.
I'm a girl. You wonder whether I like you.
You're a little uncertain. You even look a little nervous.
I wouldn't say I was nervous.
That's okay. I kind of like that in a man.
But when Jean-Marc Clement comes up to a girl,
as soon as he tells her his name, he expects her to drop dead with the honor.
Well, they do. I mean, I imagine that, uh...
Sure, but why?
Money. Right?
I don't know. I imagine women would find him rather charming.
Charming. He drops them after two dates, has five others the same week.
Boy, you haven't had much experience with women, have you?
Well, I like to think I have, but...
If you want to be this kind of person you characterize...
Clement is nothing but a rich louse. Now, keep that in mind.
When you get up on the stage, first relax...
and keep telling yourself, "I'm a louse.
I'm a louse. I'm a louse." Try.
I'm...
I think you're making a big mistake, young lady.
That's it. That's very good.
What's very good?
The way you looked down with "young lady."
You looked like you had $50 million.
I did?
For a second, you looked like a spoiled brat.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
How about having dinner with me?
You are teaching me so much. I'd like to learn more.
- Can't. I only have time for a bite tonight. -00.
♪ Oh, give me a home ♪
- Don't tell me he's drunk. - If he is, he's fired.
♪ Roam ♪♪
Hello, sweetheart.
Tony Danton.
That's the kiddie.
Tony Danton.
Tony!
Tony? Are you all right?
♪ Love is a many splintered thing ♪
You meshuggener!
I'm sorry, Mandy.
I was just putting you on.
Very funny. I just aged 10 years.
Well, that's as funny as I can get cold sober.
Have you got some sort of a parody?
We need a short one to cover a costume change.
One of the songwriters at Lindy's knocked out a good one.
Okay, let's hear it.
Well, this is the "Lament of the...
Pop Singer."
♪ Records with gimmicks ♪
♪ Chipmunks and mimics ♪
♪ That's what the future spells ♪
♪ I said to my bosses Look at my losses ♪
♪ Give me a song that sells ♪
♪ Music is dyin' ♪
♪ Nobody's buyin' ♪
♪ Mule trains or Jezebels ♪
♪ So how can a fella sing "Dardanella" ♪
♪ Give me a song that sells ♪
♪ Aw, come on Stop hiding that tune ♪
♪ Don't save all those hits for Pat Boone ♪
♪ Yeah, gimme Gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ A song that sells ♪
♪ I've got a father to support ♪
♪ A mother to support ♪
♪ A lazy, loafin' good-for-nothin' brother to support ♪
♪ Yeah, gimme Gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ A song that sells ♪♪
That's-a funny, but how much does the writer want for it?
Seventy-five dollars.
Well, try and pay less. We'll take it.
Kids, if you come across any other parodies, jokes or bits, bring 'em around.
We can use three or four between the scene changes.
Okay, kids, that's all today. Tomorrow morning, 11:00, on time.
Excuse me.
I have a rather amusing story you may like.
Let's hear it.
It's, uh, about a man who taught his dog to play poker.
But the poor dog was a terrible gambler,
because every time he got a good hand...
- He'd wag his tail! - He'd wag his tail.
Don't let that discourage you, kids. New jokes.
- Tomorrow morning, 11:00, on time. - Kill the work lights.
New jokes!
See you tomorrow. Rehearsal at 11:00 sharp.
They do that to everyone when they know the joke.
- Don't be discouraged. - Mandy!
- Thank you. - Coming?
Coming.
I'll take that. Okay.
- You got everything? - Yeah.
How would they all have known that joke?
People in show business know the popular jokes, Mr. Clement.
That's why they buy new ones.
I got the girl's telephone number from the stage manager.
Sir?
I'll try to have her at your place by 8:00.
- Hmm? - I'll try to have the girl...
No, no. She's got geography.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
How many hours a day do these rehearsals usually go on?
All day long, sir. All night too sometimes.
Well, when do they have time for, uh...
They make time. No, thank you, sir.
Of course there's always Sunday.
Sunday? This is only Tuesday.
Well, perhaps she'd be willing to skip a class...
if I told her that you were Jean-Marc Clement, sir.
I'm not so sure.
She doesn't think very highly of Jean-Marc Clement.
I never ran into that before.
Odd.
I want you to buy me a joke.
Beg your pardon, sir?
I want an original joke, something superb.
Well, I do know one very good comedy writer, Charlie Lamont.
- He's rather expensive. - Good.
Go to the Investors National Bank.
They'll give you a thousand dollars.
Be at my office tomorrow morning with a new joke.
And be sure it's brand-new.
I never buy anything used.
Excuse me, sir. Just so I'll know.
Are you thinking of joining the cast of this show?
Oh, for a few hours, perhaps.
There is no other way.
I certainly couldn't wait till Sunday.
Are you sure you can think in here, Mr. Lamont?
For a thousand bucks, I can think in a coal mine.
I do my best work here. At home, I got five kids.
What's the situation, and who is the guy?
A big dress manufacturer. He's going to make a speech in Miami.
It's got to be definitely a new joke.
New is easy. Funny is hard.
Could you hurry it up, please?
I don't know if I'll have the strength to deliver it to him.
I'm strictly a ski-and-toboggan man myself.
Now don't go away. I'm the best.
Even the ghostwriters come to me. I ghost for the ghost.
Now, let's see.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it, sir.
Quite funny, yes.
Here is Wilson with his report.
- Good morning, Wilson. - Good morning, sir.
Begin, Wilson.
"Miss Amanda Dell. Dell is her stage name. Family name Delson.
Non-married, American citizen by birth.
She has occasion...
She has occasional escorts,
but is mostly seen with Tony Danton, her costar in her present show."
I never imagined people made up jokes for money.
But I guess they have to come from someplace.
Am I to understand you're buying jokes?
Oh, just one, George, for the rehearsal today.
Proceed, Wilson.
"Miss Dell is meeting another man in private.
He is not Tony Danton."
Oho! What did I tell you?
"He's evidently married and avoiding being seen publicly with her.
Their meeting place is St. Timothy's Church."
Very ingenious.
"Miss Dell enters the church when the service is almost over,
and the two spend a good deal of time together."
This time I smell gunplay.
Good day, Wilson.
Shall we continue to keep her under surveillance?
No. I'll tend to that myself, thank you.
Good day, sir.
Are you feeling well?
I feel fine.
Just lost a little weight getting that joke, that's all.
Good day, sir.
Good day, Coffman.
The mail, Miss Manners,
and cancel all my appointments for...
24 hours.
She's meeting another man secretly.
Jean-Marc, you're walking right into a scandal.
George, you must see her.
She comes down, you see. Absolutely unbelievable.
Then she comes forward.
What will she do? You don't know.
All of a sudden, "My name is Lolita,
and, uh, I'm not supposed to play with boys."
I'll speak to San Francisco.
Yes to number two. No to number three.
George, will you take care of this London business?
Uh-huh.
Anything else?
- I had Cartier send this around. - Oh, very nice.
For $10,000, it ought to be nice.
Who is it for? Miss Emerson?
You asked me to pick up something for Miss Philips.
Of course. Uh, I'll drop it off myself.
Send flowers and a note to Miss Emerson.
I'll do the mail now.
- Good morning. - Bonjour, monsieur.
To the Cairo office, please.
Please, George. Please.
I hate to see you worry.
I'm much more than worried.
Oh, don't.
To the Paris office.
Oui, monsieur.
Tell Captain Swanson I want the yacht ready.
There will be one guest.
Jean-Marc, I have some important business to see to.
Miss Manners.
Miss Manners, I want you to buy me a pair of old trousers.
Old trousers?
Yes.
- To the Berlin office. - Jawohl, mein herr.
And an old jacket too. And a sweater.
Uh, something an actor might wear.
And tell Captain Swanson to have plenty of paper and pencils on board.
She might want to do some homework.
What do you say, Al?
Hello.
Hi!
Oh, you didn't get any sleep last night.
I couldn't sleep. That new song kept me awake.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
You look tired.
♪ Hey, you ♪
♪ With the crazy eyes ♪
♪ When you turn them on ♪
♪ I'm gone right up to the skies ♪
♪ Hey, you ♪
♪ With the glowing glimmers ♪
♪ Do they come with dimmers ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ They're as bright as lightning, you ♪
♪ With the crazy lips ♪
♪ When we start to kiss like this ♪
♪ My heart simply flips ♪
♪ Guess I ♪
♪ Might as well propose ♪
♪ 'Cause heaven knows I'm in love with those crazy eyes ♪
♪ You, you, you ♪
♪ With the crazy lips ♪
♪ When we start to kiss like this ♪
♪ My heart simply flips ♪
♪ Guess I ♪
♪ Might as well propose ♪
♪ 'Cause heaven knows I'm in love with those crazy eyes ♪
♪ Knocked-out eyes ♪
♪ Kooky eyes ♪
♪ Fractured eyes ♪
♪ Crazy eyes ♪♪
Yeah!
Tony, it's marvelous.
You're doing great, Tony.
Okay, let's go. Clear the stage.
How's the geography?
Oh! Heartbreaking.
Did you know there's four million people in Haiti,
and the average wage is $25 a year?
Imagine. I mean, two tens and a five for a whole year.
Oh. You, uh...
You have relatives in Haiti or something?
No. I just found about it, but...
Well... Well, why don't they do something about it?
Why are you smiling?
I just don't know what else to do.
I-I'm smiling because I'm...
Oh.
Four-Square Pawnshop.
Ouch.
Don't be embarrassed.
- Well... - No false pride. Come on now.
Chin up.
Oh, I wonder if you would have a little time...
to give me some acting pointers.
I know you could really help me.
Couldn't we have a little dinner tonight?
Oh, I can't tonight because I've got a history exam tomorrow.
I gotta study. I'm very weak in history.
History happens to be one of my strong points.
I help you with your history,
and you help me with my acting.
But first, we'll have a quiet little dinner and...
New is easy. Funny is hard. But remember, I'm not promising anything.
Golly, Charlie, do me a favor.
The show needs jokes, Charlie. I just want you to listen.
If you think of something good, do me a favor.
The show needs jokes, Charlie. I'd appreciate it.
Like I said, I'll take a look.
All right! Hold it!
Let's take it from the opening for Mr. Lamont.
Mr. Burton. Oh, Mr. Burton.
I'd like to offer another joke.
Well, let it wait until after rehearsal. Mr. Lamont is a busy man.
I promise you never heard this one.
Okay, but make it snappy.
All right, clear the stage.
A man went to a psychiatrist.
Over each ear he had a piece of bacon,
and around his neck, an eight-foot snake for a necktie.
And he had a large television antenna strapped to his head.
"Doctor," he said,
"I want to talk to you about my brother."
Not bad.
- I never heard it. - But I did!
You dirty crook.
Oh, let me get my hands on him. I'll break...
- Mr. Lamont, take it easy. - What's the problem?
That crook stole a joke that I wrote yesterday for $1,000.
- Thousand dollars? - For a dress manufacturer in Miami.
I don't double-cross my clients.
I'm suing you for damaging my professional integrity.
Wait now. We can get to the bottom of this in no time.
Well, you better.
Where did you get the joke?
I bought it.
For how much?
- Ten dollars. - Ten dollars?
From whom?
I'll have to ask you to tell me from whom you bought this joke,
or you're out of this show.
He couldn't have bought it. I just wrote it yesterday in a Turkish bath.
He's a liar.
I wouldn't throw that word "liar" around so easily.
You're a liar.
- He bought the joke. I saw him. - You saw him?
I had dinner at Lindy's last night,
and, uh, he was sitting in the next booth,
and I heard him buy it from a man.
Someone stole it and stuck him. It's happened before.
I promise we won't use it.
I'll say you won't use it. I lost eight pounds on that joke.
Take a break outside, everybody.
I seem to be following you.
Buttermilk, please.
You, Mac?
Coffee. Black.
I want to thank you, Amanda, for doing that for me.
It's all right. It's nothing.
Oh, I think it was a great deal.
Matter of fact, it's the most touching thing...
that's happened to me in a long time.
Why did you do it?
Does there have to be a motive?
I rarely see anything done without a motive.
Almost never, Miss Dell.
Thank you.
I feel sorry for you. You must have had a sad life.
- What do you do ordinarily? - Do?
When you're not imitating Jean-Marc Clement.
You can't make a living doing just that.
I, uh... I represent a French company.
I am a salesman.
I have a sample of my company's product.
Would you care to look at it?
It's very nice.
It's almost impossible to tell from the real thing.
Oh, that's because we're indoors.
I've got some earrings like that.
In the outside light, though, you can tell they're fake.
How much you get for them?
Five dollars.
The box looks like it's worth more than that.
Yes, it is.
But I wish you'd buy it.
It's an introductory offer to advertise the product.
All right. I'll take one to help you out.
Good. You're my first sale today.
May I?
It does shine... indoors anyway.
It will shine at night too. It's a special process.
What is it?
Lily, only $5.00.
His company's selling them for advertising.
That's just what I need. You got a necklace?
We don't carry necklaces. We may later.
Okay. I'll take a bracelet.
That's the only sample I had. I'm sorry.
Aw. Tonight's my mother's birthday,
and we'll never be through early enough for me to get her anything.
She's still in the hospital.
Oh, Lily, take mine. I'll get another one later.
No, no. I don't know when we're going to get another.
There's been a strike at the factory, you see.
I can wait for mine.
Oh, you owe him $5.00.
Okay, kids, let's go.
Sorry. Gotta go.
Your 10 minutes is up. Come on, kids.
- There's your $5.00. - Let's go.
I hope your mother likes it.
My old lady's been dead for 10 years.
I'm just nuts about this stuff.
When you get a necklace, show it to me. I may buy it.
I don't think the company'll ever make necklaces.
They'd be too dangerous.
- Dangerous? - Mm-hmm.
Too much radioactivity.
Radio what?
These stones have been exposed to atomic rays.
That's why they shine.
A necklace would be too strong.
All those radioactive stones bunched up around your neck like that.
You don't have to worry about a bracelet though.
Just put Vaseline on your wrist every night.
Don't skimp. A thick layer of Vaseline.
Vaseline. Why?
It'll keep your wrist from peeling.
Hey! What kind of jewelry you selling?
Atomic-ray jewelry. It's a new French company.
Well, they're not gonna be in business long making people peel.
You must be crazy.
Yes. We're going to have to iron that bug out.
Hey, Mac.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, I beg your pardon.
He'll pay you.
Hold it.
Is he all right for 20 cents on your check?
Yeah, I'll pay it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Harvey, bring me down a list of all the real estate we own downtown.
I'm interested specifically...
in whether there might be any of those off-Broadway theaters
in one of the parcels.
Right away, please.
May I?
You must be pretty tired.
How many times did you go through that dance today?
Oh, I lost count.
Matter of fact, sometimes I even trot home afterwards.
You sleep better. You ever trot?
You mean, in the street?
Sure. Nobody minds. Come on. It keeps you in shape.
Don't you think it will seem a little odd?
- Come on. - Uh... Uh... Amanda.
Amanda.
Let's get a taxi. Don't argue.
Please, will you call me a taxi?
Sure. You're a taxi.
The guy who calls the taxis will be back in 10 minutes. I only park the cars.
I want to see the manager.
Come back in three months. Maybe he'll be out by then... with good behavior.
Come on.
He's only kidding.
I'm sorry. I don't like to be spoken to that way.
- Something the matter? - No, no. I'm just thinking.
- About what? - About how happy you are.
- Me happy? - Mm-hmm.
You seem able to forget yourself.
That's the way you dance, and you walk in the street that way too.
You seem at home wherever you are.
It must be a great feeling. Taxi!
Get in.
- Oh, but where are we going? - Uptown. Come on.
Oh, can you lend me a couple of dollars? I'm short.
I don't usually borrow money.
Thank you.
But why don't we take a subway? It's only 15 cents.
The subway's too full of people. Here we go.
- Is this definite? - Uptown.
Seventy-fourth off Columbus Avenue.
Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
- Amanda, you mustn't throw yourself away. - What?
A girl like you could have everything in the world.
You sound like those men
who send invitations to my dressing room with their chauffeurs.
Coming from you, it's kind of sweet.
Amanda, you shouldn't work this hard.
Dear man,
you've got a whole wrong idea.
You'll never get anywhere in the theater unless you work.
Right now, when you walk home, work.
Imagine. What would it be like to lift your finger...
and be able to have anything your heart desires?
What would that be like?
I can't imagine.
Well, think.
Let's say you want a limousine. You have it.
Uh, a whole building.
A girl.
Not all girls.
Well, an awful lot though.
He wouldn't know the difference anyway.
How do you know? Maybe he would... one time.
That's a good idea. You're thinking.
A man like that madly in love, with all that power.
You see? You're working.
Oh, I am.
But don't stop now. Keep it up.
- He's with a girl. He's saying good night. - Hmm?
She says "Good night." And...
And what would he do?
Probably grab for her.
And what would she do?
Well, there's your problem.
- Good night. - Please. You make me feel full of talent.
Couldn't we work more?
I can't. Not now.
Good night.
Uh... Uh...
Sorry I'm late.
Mmm!
- You had your supper yet, Papa? - Just waiting for you, my dear.
Probably another one of those young hoodlums again.
Heavens! They've even got chauffeurs now.
Can I use the phone, Willie?
Say, Miller?
Hi.
What's going on?
That's what I wanna find out... what's going on.
Freeway Realty? Mr. Osgood, please.
Mr. Osgood, my name is Miller. I'm general manager for the Theateround.
I just received your letter. There must be some mistake, sir.
You're a real estate firm.
Perhaps you don't realize this isn't the way theaters are rented.
Well, can't I even see you, sir?
Give me a scotch, Willie.
They're crazy. They want a year's rent on the theater in advance.
You ever heard of such a thing, Coffman?
Can you get another theater?
Where? We waited four months for this one.
We're committed with contracts, costumes, scenery.
What'll I tell Burton?
He's mortgaged his car, his home. He's borrowed from everyone.
It'll kill him.
I just don't understand it.
I found it, Mr. Coffman.
Freeway Realty. Principal stockholder, Investors National,
which is controlled by Clement Enterprises.
- Anything else I can do? - No, thank you, Susie.
Bourbon, please.
Six... doubles.
You know, somebody once said that rich people are only poor people with money.
Well, he was lying. Rich people aren't people, my friend.
Oh, they can be charming, democratic, polite.
You can hardly tell them from the human beings sometimes.
Just be good and sure you don't cross them.
Sir.
Aha!
- Sit down. - I will not.
You've been drinking.
Well, that shouldn't surprise you.
I'm sure your secret service department has given you a complete report on me.
When totally disgusted with the human race, I become a social drinker.
- Mr. Clement... - You don't hold your liquor very well.
It's not leaking out any place.
And stop trying to interrupt me!
You're very talkative when you drink.
What's this all about?
Well, who's going to tell you the truth when he's sober?
You're a very vain man, Your Majesty.
All those little jokes that you just kill people around here with,
they didn't go over so big down in that theater, did they?
And how's it going with that girl? Not so hot, huh?
When you haven't got the old green stuff going for you?
Money, my lord... That's all they ever kissed when they kissed you. Money.
- I believe you'd better go now, Coffman. - Go? I quit!
Just one question though.
How do you sleep nights when you close a show,
put 40 people out of work and bankrupt a man,
all because he had the colossal gall...
to poke a little fun at the great Jean-Marc Clement?
Close a show?
Oh, they'll never prove in court that you closed the show,
but what a coincidence that you're the biggest stockholder in Investors National,
which is the biggest stockholder in Freeway Realty,
which suddenly wants a year's rent in advance for the theater.
Quite a "coincidince"!
Dence.
I see. George Wales.
He raised me, you see. He was worried about me.
I know nothing about this, Coffman.
Come here.
Oh, come now, I listened to you politely.
Sit down.
You're making one mistake. Very important.
It is true that people laugh too loudly at my jokes because I am rich.
I know that.
But what can I do? I like to tell jokes.
Shall only poor people tell jokes?
It is also true I give out many bracelets.
But I must.
They expect bracelets.
You say I am vain.
No.
If I were vain, I would refuse to give bracelets.
I would say you must love me for my charming smile.
But is it ever possible to love a rich man for his smile?
Look. You. Yourself.
Whenever you speak to me, you say "sir." "Sir," "sir," "sir."
You respect me so much, Mr. Coffman?
Obviously not. It is my money you salute.
- That is true, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
But of course. It is always true.
Except in one person.
Only that girl has ever spoken to me...
Not to my money, not to my name...
but to me.
And I do not intend to lose her.
Oh, I hope you don't.
Oh, I deeply hope you don't.
There is a job here... for an honest man.
Thank you, sir.
I wasn't addressing your money that time.
I'll see you in the morning.
And...
for your wife.
- To forgive me for keeping you so late. - Oh!
Now, don't tell me I am buying your approval.
I am.
But one can only give what one has,
and I give you that.
Get in early. There will be a lot to do.
I want my wife to be wonderful.
I have to find a way to put a lot of money in that show.
Your wife?
Hey there, now!
So when Mr. Welch here mentioned that he'd like to invest in a show,
I said to myself, "I've seen part of Burton's show and I think it's very good."
So as long as he has the bug to take a flyer anyway,
why, I thought I'd bring you two together.
Well, I'm flattered you like the show well enough...
to recommend your friend putting money in it.
But I'm not sure we can use any additional money.
Is that so?
Yes. We're fully financed.
However, there may be... I'm just saying there may be...
some small share of backing still open.
I'll have to go over the books.
And if there is, well, you can have it.
That's very kind of you.
May I speak frankly?
- Yes, of course. Go right ahead. - I like you.
I like the notion of a retired merchant like you...
being interested in show business.
That's why I'm letting you in.
I see.
Now, um, may I speak frankly?
- Go right ahead. - Thank you.
I've been horse trading across a desk like this for the last 30 years,
and in all that time, I don't think I've ever come across anyone...
quite as bad at it as you.
You're just awful.
I beg your pardon?
Let me give you a sample of frankness.
Not only aren't you fully financed, Mr. Burton,
but you're faced with having to get together a year's theater rent in advance.
You foolishly...
You foolishly mortgaged your home and you can't raise any more money.
And if I were to wait another 10 days,
I could pick up your theater for nothing and probably your house as well.
That's frankness. Please close your mouth, young man. Now then... Thank you.
Now then, because I like you,
I am prepared to finance your show entirely...
and take only 51 percent.
Then you'll have control.
Of course I will.
I never dream of putting any money into anything unless I have complete control.
I urge you to accept this offer, Mr. Burton.
It's very generous.
You want to know something? It is.
You're smarter than I thought, Mr. Burton.
I'll read it after I sign it.
I've got 51 percent of the show.
Complete control.
Hold it, kids.
Hold it.
Hold it, kids.
Gather round. Everybody. Come on. Gather round.
Which one's the bride?
She's not around.
You know, I can't believe it. I didn't think he'd ever get married.
- I'd given up. - Hmm.
- What? - There.
Now, gather in. And you. Come on in. John, you.
Ooh. There'll be children. Lots of children.
Coffman, there's a bonus in this for you if they get married.
And double if there's a baby.
A boy.
I'll do whatever I can, sir.
I know you've heard the rumor that I've been having money troubles.
Well, it was true... Was true.
I have here a cashier's check...
for more than enough money to open this show.
I won't tell you how much, because you'll come around asking for raises.
And I would like to take this occasion...
to introduce my new partner, Mr. George Welch,
a retired merchant interested in show business.
Mr. Welch? Your grateful company.
All right, clear the stage.
That doesn't mean anything, sir.
People in show business are always throwing their arms around each other.
They're very exuberant.
Why can't she be exuberant with Jean-Marc, for heaven's sake?
"Specialization."
Let's take it from the bridge, boys.
♪♪ This is the number he was hired for, sir.
Now we'll see it.
♪ Marc Clemens ♪
♪ Gives the gals the tremens ♪
♪ This Casanovan ♪
♪ Sure has the roving-est eyes ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You rule the barnyard if ♪
Hold it! Hold it.
You know what might be cute if it didn't spoil the mood?
When she sings about him, let him go, "Cock-a-doodle-doo."
Yeah, that's very funny, Oliver.
Go on. Go "Cock-a-doodle-doo."
Go on.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
No, no, no. Like a real rooster. You know...
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Like that.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Again.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
No, louder. Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Like that.
- Like that? - Yeah.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
That's very good. We'll keep it in.
Practice that at home. All right, kids.
Get your costumes on, and we'll try the whole number from the top.
Dress rehearsal. All doubles on stage.
Dress rehearsal. Come on, kids. Let's go, huh?
Let's pick up on the cues faster, shall we?
"Specialization."
♪ If you peruse the people in the news ♪
♪ The people that the magazines ♪
♪ Refer to ♪
♪ You'll find that they are naturally soigné ♪
♪ The special ones that all of us ♪
♪ Defer to ♪
♪ They've each a trait that seems to state ♪
♪ First-raters ♪
♪ Which separates them from the small per ♪
♪ Taters ♪
♪ Maria Callas ♪
♪ Is booked in Dallas ♪
♪ Red carpets rolled out and they're sold out ♪
♪ Clear to the sky ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ They love your high notes if ♪
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ When Elvis rotates ♪
♪ Each critic notates ♪
♪ It may look funny But the money's ♪
♪ What it supplies ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You'll meet the colonel if ♪
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ Salome did it with ♪
♪ Veils ♪
- ♪ Abe Lincoln did it with ♪ - ♪ Rails ♪
- ♪ Toledo did it with ♪ - ♪ Scales ♪
♪ The Chinese built that wall ♪
♪ Ooh, specialists all ♪
♪ Marc Clemens ♪
♪ Gives the gals the tremens ♪
♪ This Casanovan ♪
♪ Sure has the roving-est eyes ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You'll rule the barnyard if ♪
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ Van Cliburn ♪
♪ Caused us a high burn ♪
♪ While we were blushin' ♪
♪ Some Russian gave him a prize ♪
- ♪ Specialization ♪ - Da. Da.
♪ They'll give ya medals if ♪
♪ They'll love your high notes ♪
♪ If ♪
- ♪ You'll meet the colonel ♪ - ♪ If ♪
♪ You'll rule the barnyard ♪
♪ If ♪
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
♪ If you specialize ♪♪
I specialize.
Jean-Marc Clement a rooster. His father's turning in his grave.
You are damn right it's no good.
I didn't count on looking that ridiculous.
He's got all the jokes, and I'm going "Cock-a-doodle-doo."
You take his jokes and let him go cock-a-doodle-doo.
- How about firing him? - No, no. That would upset her.
You'll never impress her by being a rooster...
unless she's a chicken.
You know, there are definite ways to attract women.
When you're 10 years old, they like it if you walk on your hands for 'em.
When they're older, they like other things,
best of all if you're rich.
Jean-Marc, tell her who you are. You'll be engaged within 15 minutes.
Oh, perhaps that's just what you're afraid of.
Perhaps I am. A little.
My dear boy, nobody's loved for themselves alone.
You're loved for what you can do. If she could see you as I have...
holding the floor at a directors' meeting for an entire afternoon,
trying to persuade a nervous $10 million to invest in a project.
Then she'd be impressed. She might even fall in love with you.
That's you.
No, George, that's my power.
That is five generations of money.
That is a billionaire.
But it is not me.
And this girl, I want to fall in love with me.
At the moment, she's admiring Tony Danton.
She's kissing Tony Danton, and I'll tell you...
There's no big mystery about human attraction.
She'll go on admiring him, she'll go on kissing him, and they'll fall in love.
And you, with a billion dollars in your pocket,
can go cock your doodle-doo till you grow feathers.
Every man to his own battlefield, my boy.
On this one, you haven't got a prayer.
Unless...
Unless I get stronger ammunition.
- What do you mean? - It's only bought for him.
People write his jokes,
and not the best, because that show can't afford the best.
But I can.
Do you have any ideas or suggestions?
Not offha... Oh.
Well, we do own a large block of stock in NBC, don't we?
Now let me think. Our... Our two men there are Comstock and Yale.
They both hold key positions on the board.
- Tell them I want a teacher. - What?
Tell them to get me the greatest comedian in the world.
That's very flattering, but I can think of many greater comedians than myself.
For instance, there's, uh...
There's, um...
Or...
You know, maybe you're right.
Mr. Berle, I want you to give serious consideration to my offer.
Oh, I have. This is a very, very generous offer,
but as Mr. Comstock and Mr. Yale will tell you,
I'm under a long-term contract to the network.
Oh, that's all right, Milton.
Clement Enterprises has a large block of shares in NBC.
Oh, I see.
Well, sir, this is a very, very fantastic figure.
The first time I read it I didn't know if this was what you were going to pay me,
or my Social Security number.
Well, Mr. Berle, can you do the job?
Sir, it's all according to how funny you're talking about.
Are you talking about ha-ha funny...
or ha-ha-ha-ha funny...
or hardy-har-har funny?
Now, let me show you first my, uh... my comedy walk.
It's a very big scream. My ankle bit.
See, I stand up, and I walk around on my ankles.
Now, stand up, sir, and let me show you how to do it.
- You gotta turn your ankle... - Mr. Berle. Mr. Berle!
I am not your pupil.
You're not the gentleman I'm going to teach?
No.
Well, then who is?
Jean-Marc Clement.
That's fine. That's better.
A little broader. A little broader. That's fine.
Now turn around the other way. You're doing great, sir.
That's it. Up there. Wonderful. Wonderful!
It's the worst thing I have ever seen.
- Am I doing something wrong? - Oh, no, no.
You're doing it swell, but you have to exaggerate a little more, sir.
Watch me again, will ya?
Dough, dough, dough, dough.
You understand? Look, you say those words as you do it. Go ahead.
Dough. Dough. Dough. Dough.
You sound as if dough doesn't mean anything to you.
And it probably doesn't.
Can you show me something a little more, uh, sophisticated?
- Sophisticated. - Yeah.
Let me see.
I have it, baby... Uh, pardon me, Mr. Clement.
I have it. I have a great, great idea.
- Sophistication you want? - Yes.
Oh, this is gonna be great. You walk out...
Walk out on the stage very sophisticated like. You see?
Very debonair. Suave. Classy.
With dignity and charm, and you stand there,
and you look at the audience for a brief second,
and then you walk around like this.
The audience will scream. They'll scream.
Mr. Berle, I'd rather not. This is more you than me.
I have... Oh, boy.
I have a gag that I always do.
It's dynamite. It's the best thing that I've ever done.
- Is this material original? - Original?
Mm-hmm.
Forget it. We'll try something else.
Um, let's see...
Oh. I have... I have a joke...
When I do it on television, 40 million Americans scream at this.
And here's the line. You... Listen.
I swear I'll "kew" you.
I'll "kew" you a million times.
- You like that, huh? - Yes.
He likes that.
Will you try it? "I swear I'll kew you.
I'll kew you a million times." Say it. Go ahead.
That's it. Now say it.
I swear I kill you.
I kill you a million times.
- I'm sick. - Sick?
Yeah, I'm sick from laughing at you, 'cause you're great.
- You're great. - No.
You're very kind, Mr. Berle, but I don't think I did it right.
Oh, come on, Mr. Clement. You're wonderful.
Are you gonna listen to your Uncle Miltie? You're great.
You're wonderful, but there's only one little thing.
It isn't the word "kill." It's "kew."
Kew. See? Let me hear you say it.
- Kill. - No, not ki... It's "kew."
- Kill. - No, you have to purse your lips.
- May I... - Please.
- Kew. - Kill.
Not kill. Relax. Relax.
- Kew. - Kill.
No, ki... The "L" is silent. Say kew.
- Key-ee. - No, not "key-ee." No, just "kew."
- Kew. - Key.
- Kew. Kew. - Key.
- No, kew. - Key.
- Kew. - Kill.
Will you get the "L" out? Don't pronounce the "L."
- Kew. - Kill.
A little... You gotta go...
K... Kew.
Kill.
Forget it. We'll try something else.
This is murder.
What kind of a job did you get me I ask you?
I'm afraid it's useless.
What do you mean, it's useless?
I'll make you so funny your only problem...
will be to get her to stop laughing long enough to have babies.
No. Uh...
Show me what I can do with a woman.
After what I read about you, I'm sure that you can show me.
No, no. I mean something comical.
Something... Something funny.
Oh. I thought you meant...
What you can do with... I have it.
I have a great boy-and-girl bit.
Let's step down here.
Look, in this scene I'll be the b... I'll be the girl.
I'll be the girl, and you be the boy.
- Understand? - Yes.
You're standing on a corner and you're waiting for your girl,
and I want you to ad-lib a line, like you're impatient.
"Where is my girl? She's supposed to be here."
I'll be the girl, and I'll go off there by the door and do it.
- Okay. - All right. Let's try it.
No. Turn around. Face the audience.
That's the first thing you gotta learn, Mr. Clement.
Look at the audience. Go ahead.
Look... Look at your watch.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
Where is she? She's supposed to meet me here.
Oh. She's late again.
That's very good.
Remember now, I'm the girl.
I'm the girl.
Hi.
I'm coming on.
And 40 million Americans call you "uncle"?
Milton Berle's here.
Right this way, Mr. Berle.
- Uncle Miltie. - Milton Berle's here.
- Uncle Miltie.
Hold it. Hold it.
Mr. Berle to see you, Mr. Welch.
Thank you.
- Hi, Milton. - Hiya, Georgie.
- I didn't mean to stop the rehearsal. - Not at all.
Do you know Mr. Coffman?
How do you do, Mr. Coffman?
This is my producer, Oliver Burton.
Glad to meet you, sir.
Mr. Berle, I'm happy to meet you.
I had no idea Mr. Welch knew any prominent theatrical people.
Oh, Georgie? You must be kidding. One of my first sponsors.
On radio.
Why don't you hang around? Watch a bit of the rehearsal.
I'd be very glad to.
We rarely get free advice from people like you.
Oh, I just dropped by to pay my respects to old Welchy boy here.
By the way, as I was coming in just now,
I saw your comedian rehearsing.
Wonderful. I stopped to listen.
Professional curiosity, you know.
Boy, he was doing a funny routine.
Mr. Burton, I wanna tell you, you have a great comedian on your hands.
Mr. Berle, you don't know what that means to us...
to have someone like you compliment us.
Get Tony. He can use the encouragement.
Tony! Tony Danton.
Come on, fellas. Clear the stage.
Yeah, here I am.
- That's not him. - It's not?
Tony, I want you to say hello to Mr. Berle.
- Hi, Tony. - Hello, Mr. Berle.
I just wanted you to meet him.
There's the fellow.
Him?
That's the one, right there.
Oh, you... Come here, will ya?
No! I mean you.
Yes, you.
What's the matter?
Were you rehearsing out there?
Oh, that. Just a little skit I put together...
for a surprise party we're giving a friend.
- It's not very funny. - Milton Berle thinks it's funny.
Milton...
Why, really, Mr. Berle?
Yes. I think it was just wonderful.
You're underestimating yourself, kid.
Uh, why don't you do the routine for the gentlemen?
- Oh, no... - All right.
Clear the stage.
Clear the stage off, huh, fellas?
Do the subway routine that I taught you.
It's the best bit that you do.
May I?
I'd like to give my impression...
of a man going to work in the morning on the subway.
He's great. Great. Watch him.
He's beautiful!
Oh, he's great!
Beautiful!
Where is she?
She's supposed to meet me here.
Oh, she's late... again.
Oh, beautiful.
Beautiful!
It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!
They're gonna ask you to sign for the run of the play.
What's that?
To stay with the show as long as it runs.
But you're entitled to more money.
- Hey, you were good. - Really?
Well, I've got to run along.
Very good, son. Lots of luck.
Thank you, Mr. Berle.
- Welchy, old boy. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
- My regards to the family. - I will.
- Remember me at home. - Yes. Yes.
So long.
So long, kids. Happy show.
Thank you, Milton Berle.
We have to sign him right now.
Certainly.
What's his name?
Al... Alphonse, I think.
Oh, fella?
Step over here, will ya?
I'll ask for a hundred-dollar raise.
I wouldn't dare ask for more than 30.
But... go ahead.
Don't be shy.
Nobody talk. Let me handle this.
Yes, sir?
That wasn't bad.
- Thank you, sir. - Say, I'm sorry, but what is your name?
Dumas. Alex Dumas.
You don't say.
Alex, I think we can use your bit.
I'm not promising now. We may be over length.
Kerry, I wanna give Dumas here a $10 increase.
Very well, sir.
Have him sign the usual run-of-the-play contract.
Right.
Not bad, eh, Alex?
A $10 jump.
I don't think that's enough, Mr. Burton.
I wonder if I heard you right.
- I think so. - I don't.
Well, I'd like $50 more.
Where did you get that absurd idea?
Milton Berle was laughing.
He was just being polite.
Now look, Dumas, you're new in show business.
A $50 raise is unheard of. Ask anybody.
I would like $50 more.
It's out of the question!
Here, uh, Amanda. Tell him, will ya?
He wants a $50 raise.
Come over here, dear.
You don't realize, Dumas, this isn't a big business. You can't expect...
I'm offering him a $10 raise.
Isn't that fair?
Don't ask me. I'm not a...
Honey, the fella's just beginning.
This is his first big part. He's getting a terrific opportunity.
I-I know, but, well...
He only got the part because he happens to look like Clement.
That's not such an opportunity.
Did you tell him to ask for 50?
No. Uh...
But, 40's...
Have you lost your mind? Forty?
There is no need to shout at her.
Don't tell me how to run my company, will ya?
You've no right to talk to her that way.
Will you take $10, or won't you?
I certainly will not.
Then you're fired. Please leave this theater.
- Am I fired? - What? No.
- What? - He's a partner. He likes me.
- I like him. - See?
But I don't, and I want him out of the show. Now get outta here.
Your 49% wants him out of the show,
but my 51 wants him in, so he stays in, doesn't he?
I'll settle the money question.
Come with me, young man.
What do we do now?
I get $50 raise.
When you get excited, you're just like your father.
And she gets $50 raise.
What for? What's the purpose of that?
Écoutez. L'incident est clos.
Same sentence his father used to use.
He gets a $50 raise, and she gets a $50 raise.
What? What for?
Écoutez. L'incident est clos.
- Start the rehearsal. - Yes, sir.
Okay, Amanda, You wanna get to wardrobe for "Let's Make Love."
Dress rehearsal... "Let's Make Love."
May I help you?
Boy, you sure got a lot of different sides to your character.
♪ Oh, the gentle art of conversation ♪
♪ Is deader than the Dead Sea Scrolls ♪
♪ We've become the mutest kind of nation ♪
♪ We're uncommunicating souls ♪
♪ No one talks No one talks ♪
♪ It's something we seldom ever do ♪
♪ No one talks No one talks ♪
♪ No one talks but ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ Here we sit ♪
♪ And we chatter ♪
♪ What are we thinking of ♪
♪ Let's not make ♪
♪ With the patter ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let's make love ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ But it's stifling ♪
♪ If you roar ♪
♪ Like a lion ♪
♪ I could coo ♪
♪ Like a dove ♪
♪ If you're sold ♪
♪ Begin buyin' ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let's make love ♪
♪ Gosh, it's hot ♪
♪ No, don't turn TV ♪
♪ On ♪
♪ Instead just turn me on ♪
♪ I light up like ♪
♪ Neon ♪
♪ Just a tiny section of your affection ♪
♪ In my direction will do ♪
Ooh!
♪ You'll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ 'Cause they'll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
♪ Let's make love ♪
♪ Plan some moonlight trips with me ♪
♪ Come to grips with me ♪
♪ Lips to lips with me ♪
♪ Do Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ You'll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ 'Cause they'll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
♪ Let's make love ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
- ♪ But it's warm here ♪ - ♪ Let's make love ♪
- ♪ I sure wore a tight collar ♪ - ♪ Let's make love ♪
- ♪ I may need ♪ - Mmm.
♪ A salt tablet ♪
♪ Do you know ♪
♪ A good doctor ♪
♪ Let's ♪
♪ Make love ♪♪
If you're getting anywhere, my boy, it's much too slow.
I feel it.
I know it.
I could learn to sing, and that will do it.
He could be right.
Between comedians and singers, women always go for singers.
I know. When I was younger, I appeared in a lot of Broadway shows.
Some romantic baritone would come along,
and the girls would start breathing hard.
Boy, if I had my life to live over again, I'd be a singer.
You want another teacher?
- I'll call one. - But the best.
The guy that I have in mind is the greatest.
Hello. Operator?
Oh, good morning, Mr. Crosby.
Mr. Clement's expecting you. Will you step this way, please?
Give me a little run on the piano there, Walter.
Écoutez. Commençons.
♪ I'm susceptible to stars ♪
♪ In the skies ♪
♪ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ♪
No, you wanna take that dip down there. That's where the money is.
♪ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ♪
Let me hear it.
♪ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ♪
Good.
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
No, romantic's a very big word.
You want to lay on that. Baste it with a lot of schmaltz.
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
That's good. That's fine.
- ♪ Romantic ♪ - Yes.
- ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do that around here. You'll get arrested now.
♪ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies seem true ♪
You see, you run it all together like that. Keep it moving.
- All of it? - The whole thing.
- The breath. - You and I will know you're out of breath,
but she'll think it's very sexy, you see?
Let me hear it.
♪ If they're ♪
♪ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ♪
- ♪ The wildest of lies ♪ - Now a big breath.
♪ Seem true ♪
Oh, that's reeking with sex. Believe me.
♪ Each time a lovebird sings ♪
You see, that's showmanship.
Keeps her mind off your voice.
♪ Each time a lovebird sings ♪
- Can you whistle? - Yes, but the...
It might be too tricky. It might summon a lot of wildfowl, I guess.
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ My heart is... ♪
♪ Along with my senses ♪
- ♪ I'm a setup for the moon ♪ - ♪ I'm a setup for the moon ♪
♪ When it's bright ♪
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
- ♪ If they're told... ♪♪ - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Better rest. Save your voice.
Gee, I hope you kiss better than you can sing, or you're out of business.
- No good, huh? - Now, if we get you to move a little...
Dance. Do you dance?
- No. - No dance, huh?
Wait a minute. I think I can swing it for you.
If I can catch this guy, boy, you're a cinch.
Right, Mr. Kelly?
Well, the feet are right, Mr. Clement, but we'll have to work on the style.
On the style?
Yeah. You-You'll have to, uh... to think...
I should say... Look, you must express yourself the way an actor does.
- Actor? - Yes.
You see, a dancer expresses with his body...
what an actor does with words.
- It's not just the feet. - Right.
You... This dance is what?
It's romance, it's a courtship,
and you have to say that with your body.
You have to...
You say, "Darling, I love you."
I see.
You see, you must think that as you dance.
Good. I'll try.
- Darling. - Yes?
- I love you. - Good.
Oh, darling...
I'll try again.
Darling,
I love you.
I love you, darling.
On the double, everyone. Come on. Over to the piano.
This is gonna be good news.
We're gonna run through a new number.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
♪ I'm susceptible to stars ♪
Wait a minute. I'm sorry. He's not going to sing it.
I brought this number for Dumas.
- Dumas? - Yes. Yes, of course.
I'm so sorry. Miss Dell, would you be so kind as to try it with Mr. Dumas?
Well, this is a surprise.
Let's go, kids.
- I hope I didn't ruin it for you. - It's not your fault.
Kids, this is a very expensive number.
Let's do it proud.
♪ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ♪
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
♪ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies ♪
♪ Seem true ♪
♪ Each time a lovebird sings ♪
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ Along with my... ♪
The spirit of this song is intimacy. Real intimacy.
- ♪ I'm a setup for the moon ♪ - Put your arms around him.
- ♪ When it's bright ♪ - Closer to him.
- Drape yourself over him. - ♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
Melt together.
- ♪ And I shouldn't be allowed ♪ - Your mouth... Closer to his cheek.
- ♪ Out at night ♪ - Kiss him. Just a small one.
- ♪ With anyone quite like you ♪ - Now another. Good.
- ♪ But, oh, your arms are nice ♪ - Now nuzzle him.
♪ And it would be awfully nice ♪
Uh...
Hold it.
What's the matter?
- Matter? - You're freezing.
Just relax.
- I'm sorry. I... - You've met Miss Dell, haven't you?
- Yes, I have. - Well, let her get at you.
- All right. - Until your last line.
Then you kiss her... Strong. Mean it.
Make her know it.
You can do that, can't you?
I'll try my very best.
Well, let's start again.
♪ But, oh Your arms are nice ♪
♪ And it would be awfully nice ♪
♪ If you turned out to be ♪
♪ Starry-eyed like me ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Incurably ♪
♪ Romantic ♪
♪ Too ♪♪
That's not bad. You've got the general idea.
We'll rehearse the rest again later.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
May I take you to dinner tonight?
We're rehearsing tonight.
I've never met such a difficult girl to feed.
You know what this stuff does to you.
You tryin' to kill yourself? Is this what I sat up nights with you for?
With cold towels on your head?
Everybody said I was crazy to hire you, but I believed. I believed.
And look what you're trying to do to yourself!
Don't yell at him.
He's starting with this again.
- Don't! Give me that. - Tony, stop.
You don't need that stuff anymore.
Come on now. Just because you had a tough break...
No! No, kid. It's normal... for me.
I see it all now.
Three shows on the road before this, I had great numbers.
All three closed out of town.
I did my job. Everybody said I was great.
Nobody gets to see me.
Well, now, finally I got the message. I've had it.
- But it's not your fault. - That's just it.
Forget it, Mandy. I want out.
How do you get out?
You say "I quit"? That's not out.
Tony, you're an actor, so wherever you go, whatever you do...
Yeah, how do you leave it behind?
No.
I don't leave it behind.
Look, I know I can do the number better than he can.
All I'm asking for is a chance.
I'm entitled to show them what I can do with it, but they won't even give me that.
It's not fair. He should have had a chance at the number.
He's entitled to that.
That backer won't listen. What can I do?
What can you do? How about trying to make him listen?
- Look, I believe you deserve... - If you believe it, then do it!
How? He's got control now.
I'll go out to dinner with Alex. I'll keep him out for an extra half hour.
Meantime, Tony, you can show Mr. Welch what you can do.
Honey, how do I get the man to listen?
How? Put him on the stage as soon as I leave.
The man's not gonna walk out of the theater. He's gotta listen.
I can use Lily. She knows the song.
- Good. - All right.
We'll give it a try.
Come on, now.
An old Chinese toast would be appropriate.
"May our children like each other."
Is that all? The Chinese is longer.
"Or else we'll have a noisy home."
How many languages do you speak?
Five or six.
Listen, don't worry about the check. We'll go halves, okay?
Thank you very much,
but I have quite enough to pay for this.
I am very happy, Amanda.
I understand tonight why I was born.
That's nice.
Um, couldn't you get a better job,
speaking all those languages?
Someday you must go to France.
This time of year the sky over Paris...
is exactly the color of your eyes.
Do you mind if I say something personal?
Not at all.
Maybe you're not ambitious enough.
Because now that I know you...
For instance, the United Nations, or, uh, the State Department.
They could use you, I bet.
Or some big business where you deal with people from all over.
You have a way about you, you know.
What way?
Well, not elegant, exactly, but kind of, um,
dignified.
I say it because every once in a while, I can't place you.
I think that's because you're in the wrong line of work.
Have you always been a jewelry salesman?
No. Not always.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.
Please, don't be uneasy.
It's all right. Let's have some more wine.
Amanda, I'm in love with you.
Now, Alex...
I've never said this in my life.
Amanda, I want to marry you.
Alex...
What do you say to me?
Then you're not married?
Married? Why did you think...
You never said anything about yourself, so what was I to think?
I'm not married, and have never been married.
Darling, only your feeling is important.
What do you feel for me?
- I must know that. - Was it something terrible?
What are you imagining?
Well, I... I've done some things in my life...
it's very painful to talk about.
No.
No, darling.
But people have to trust each other.
Darling, I do trust you more than anyone in my life.
And now I will tell you everything.
What is it?
I have to apologize.
Here I am asking you to trust me, and all this time...
I'm playing an awful, dirty trick on you.
Me?
I brought you here to give Tony his chance at your number.
- I see. - He's doing it for Mr. Welch now.
- We can go if you like. - Of course, if you like.
I am very sorry that I came into your life too late.
I hope you'll be very happy.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
I only wanted Tony to have his chance.
Acting for you is just an extra job, but for him, it's his life.
Please, darling, sit down.
Sit down.
I hope you're not mad, because I like you, Alex.
You do?
Oh, my darling girl, marry me.
I adore you.
But...
Very well. I won't torture you any longer.
I am not a jewelry salesman at all.
I am a very wealthy man.
As a matter of fact...
I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Ha.
You don't believe it?
Come on. Let's get some air.
I'm not fooling you!
You see, the other day my public relations man came in my office...
- Your what? - Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clement.
You see, I had just returned from the Hong Kong office the other day,
and my public relations man said to me, "I read in the...
I've got my... I left...
in the Variety"...
- I-I didn't even... - In the very...
Ooh!
Amanda!
Amanda! I'm a billionaire!
♪♪ ♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
♪ And I... ♪♪
Mr. Welch, could we wait a minute so I can do it with Miss Dell?
It's really her number.
I don't see what difference it can possibly make.
Amanda.
- Amanda. - Go away. I'm getting into my costume.
Now, listen to me.
The other day I came here with my public relations...
Darling. I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Oh, don't say that again. You don't have to be Clement.
But I do have to be. I can't help it.
I saw you, I wanted you,
and before I knew it, I was Alexander Dumas.
You know what I did?
I got Bing Crosby to work with me on a song.
I paid Milton Berle, and Gene Kelly too and...
- Oh, darling. - Yes?
- It's all my fault. - Yes.
- Come in. - Yes.
- Lie down. - Yes.
I told you to get into the character and that's wonderful,
but now you've got to get out.
Amanda, you'll drive me crazy.
Don't say that. Relax.
It'll all go away.
Listen. There used to be an actor.
He played Abraham Lincoln for so many years...
This is true.
He grew his own beard.
He went around in a shawl.
And you know what they used to say?
"He looks like Lincoln, he talks like Lincoln,
but he won't be satisfied till he gets shot."
I'll prove it to you.
That doesn't matter. You don't have to be a rich man.
No?
If you mean what you say.
Money doesn't mean anything to me.
I get jobs.
Forget all that, will you?
Oh, my dear girl.
How long I have waited to hear that.
I'm so glad.
Now tell me.
Who are you?
Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Now, look. Enough's enough, Alexander.
Okay, call Berle. Call Gene Kelly. Call Bing Crosby! Come on.
Sure. I'll go right out and get 'em on the phone.
You get a kick out of this, whoever you are.
I can't stand anyone who makes fun of me.
Can I be of any assistance?
- George. - What?
- Tell her who I am. - Who you are? Certainly.
- He's Alexander Dumas. - No, George!
Tell her the truth.
- The truth? - Yes.
Oh, I beg your pardon. That's different.
- Actually, he's Jean-Marc... - Marc Clement!
What?
Who are you? King Farouk, I suppose.
I hope you both enjoyed it. It's true what they say... There's no comedians left!
But... That...
♪ I'm susceptible ♪
♪ To stars in the skies ♪
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
♪ If they're told to me ♪
♪ All covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies ♪
♪ Seem true ♪
♪ Each time a lovebird sings ♪
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ Along with my senses ♪
♪ I'm a setup for the moon when it's bright ♪
♪ I'm incurably romantic ♪
♪ And I shouldn't be allowed out at night ♪
♪ With anyone quite like you ♪
♪ But, oh, your arms are nice ♪
♪ And it would be awfully nice ♪
Is it too much to ask whether I like his performance?
Of course you like it. That's not the problem.
♪ Turned out to be ♪
♪ Starry-eyed like me ♪
♪ And incurably ♪
♪ Romantic ♪
♪ Too ♪♪
Listen.
Get an injunction to close the show.
Invasion of privacy.
I don't know...
He can't do this. It's impossible.
Obviously he can, my dear. This is a very legal document.
Brother! This is the end. The story of my life.
I guess you'll have to cut the "Specialization" number.
You can't cut that. It's a wonderful number.
Oh, I love that number.
Yes, but he resents the ridicule.
We'll get a lawyer. Who is he? Hitler?
Excuse me.
I have a suggestion.
For every lawyer you get,
Mr. Clement will have five.
That's not good.
- You have a much better weapon. - What's that?
The one thing Clement cannot resist...
a beautiful woman.
Say now.
If Miss Dell would pay him a visit,
I feel sure she could charm him.
Charm him? I could murder him.
He'll adore you. I'm sure.
What about that, Amanda? Maybe if you told him what the show was really like...
I think it would be a good idea, young man, if you went along too.
After all, they're both French, you know.
That's right. They both of 'em are French.
I would be glad to help if I can.
Try it, will ya, Amanda?
There's no time to fight him in court if we're gonna open tonight.
But I'm not going alone with him or his friend here.
No, honey, we'll all go.
Come on. I'll try to make an appointment.
I think it might be better if I made the call.
Swell! You can tell him in French.
- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.
We want to see Mr. Clement.
We're from the Let's Make Love company. It's very important.
What's the matter with her?
Did I say something?
Hey, what's the matter with you?
Won't you come in?
She didn't say it's all right though, did she?
No.
- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.
We want to see Mr. Clement. Is he in?
Yes, miss.
I suppose we may as well go in.
What is this? A war of nerves?
Alex!
You can't sit there.
You can't look through his mail!
I'll do the mail now.
You've got to see a doctor.
Come. We gotta get outta here.
Come. Come quietly. Quietly.
We gotta get outta he...
- Good morning. - Bonjour, monsieur.
To Dottore Gina Martinelli, Milano.
Jean-Marc Clement.
Why don't you sit down? This won't take long.
No, sir. I won't.
That will be all.
Please, darling. Darling.
There was no other way.
You...
Shame on you!
Please understand.
Letting me go on and on like a fool...
when you knew how I felt about you.
I... I apologize. I beg you.
Darling! Forgive me, darling. I beg you.
But look... Look what happened the moment you knew who I was.
Even you were impressed. Admit it.
You no longer saw me. You saw only power.
Really, I've never been so humiliated in my life.
The least you could have done is tell me who you are.
I did tell you.
- How did you expect me to believe it? - Because it was true.
That's no excuse.
Listen, darling. Listen.
And I never want to see you again as long as I live!
Amanda.
Amanda!
Amanda... Amanda, darling, listen to me.
I ask you to stop the elevator and come back.
I will not.
I'm up here on the top of the world, Amanda,
but my soul is going down to the street with you,
so I beg you to understand that I must stop the elevator.
Brace yourself, darling.
You will not stop...
And don't think you're going to charm your way out of this...
What a life!
And all the time I'm trying to figure out how to buy you a square meal.
How could you bear watching me make a fool out of myself?
♪ Here we stand ♪
♪ And we argue ♪
- ♪ What are we ♪ - Alexander Dumas.
- ♪ Thinking of ♪ - The Three Musketeers.
♪ Let's not make ♪
♪ With the pfft, pfft ♪
♪ Baby ♪
- Faker. - ♪ Let's make love ♪
Why do I like you?
♪ You'll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ 'Cause they'll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
My. Oh, my. It's warm here.
♪ Let's make love ♪
Should I still get my diploma?
♪ Let's make love ♪
Oh, darling.
Will they be surprised at night school.
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